What I'm about to write might come as a shock to those of you who know me in real life because I don't show this side of me to ANYONE and I'm stalling so here goes...
When Harlan was 23 months old, we were blessed with another baby boy, named Barrett. He was born on October 19, 2003. We were the typical overjoyed, exhausted parents of a newborn and a toddler. We were rocking along in our comfortable, complacent little lives. Attending church on Sundays and Wednesdays, living in our nice little cookie-cutter neighborhood, Perry working a 9-5 nice paying job with great benefits, and I was working in my dream job with an awesome boss where I could pretty much dictate my schedule. Comfortable. Easy. Complacent. Members of the Cult of the Next Thing. Perfect little suburban family. Then, on April 8, 2004, our world fell completely apart. Our sweet Barrett made his journey to Heaven. It was like a really, really bad dream that I just wanted to wake up from and go back to comfortable. I wanted to go back to our Egypt where everything was familiar. Where I didn't have to trust. Where I didn't feel so vulnerable and needy. I had never ever been to this place before. You see, I lived a wonderful life growing up. My parents supplied all of our needs and most of our wants. They did everything in their power to make our dreams for our lives come true. They were the best cheerleaders and encouragers. I just never had to really face any adversity and had always prided myself on being strong and independent and able to conquer anything. And NOW God was asking me to do THIS! How in the world was I supposed to put on a strong face when my world had just been snatched out from under me? The answer: It wasn't about me. It was about pointing people to Christ who was the ONLY source of strength that had ever been in me. It was at this time that I had to finally give up control to Him, because I had nothing left in me. Even though we had just suffered such great loss, it still wasn't about us. It was all about Almighty God, who created each and every one of us to come to this earth, to carry out His purpose. Barrett had a BIG purpose, and it wasn't about us. It was about Christ.
Harlan and Barrett
Sweet BarrettIt has now been 10 years. I anticipate and dread this date every single year. It has taken me 10 years to open up to a few friends. The one thing that I absolutely can't stand is pity. Please, Please, Please don't feel sorry for us. Our family walking through the death of a child has strengthened our marriage, has allowed us to loosen our grip on our children (those of you who know me are probably questioning this one :)), has taught us to cling to God and His promises, and most importantly, has given us an urgency to share Christ with people. It has changed us, refined us, chiseled out those materialistic, selfish, comfortable and complacent places in our hearts and replaced that with more of Christ. Now, we are FAR from being perfect or for all of those places to be perfectly filled with Christ, but this little journey has caused our family to look at life and death just a little bit differently.
I love what Paul says while in prison in Philippians 1, starting verse 9:
And this is my prayer; that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of the righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ - to the glory and praise of God.
Now, I want you to know brothers and sisters, that what has happened to me has actually, served to advance the gospel. As a result, it has become clear throughout the whole palace guard and to everyone else that I am in chains for Christ. And because of my chains, most of the brothers and sisters have become confident in the Lord and dare all the more to proclaim the gospel without fear.
Now skip down to verse 18:
Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and God's provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me.
And then on down to verse 27:
WHATEVER HAPPENS, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ.
You see, Paul used his horrible circumstance to serve and to share Christ. He realized that his imprisonment wasn't about him. His pain wasn't about him. It was all about Christ and pointing people to Him. This is why I share. This is why I have allowed this to be published this year. If this helps just one person who is struggling with life to look toward the only One who can give you whatever it is you're seeking, then it's worth it to let you see the weak, shaky, vulnerable side of me that I don't like to share.
This day will pass and it will come again next year if Jesus doesn't return before then. I pray that as we anticipate it's arrival next year that we will continue to sing,
Set a fire down in my soul
that I can't contain
that I can't control
I want more of you God!
I want more of you God!
No more comfortable and complacent! Through pain and a hard road we can honestly say, "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." Let Him show you His love today. Let him cover you with his perfect peace. He's waiting...
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